rty Garg: alrightey

Arty Garg: first off, do you have any thoughts/comments while I browse through it again?

BiomechD: ugh maybe if I was awake...I'm going to have a browse through myself to refresh my memory

Arty Garg: heh

BiomechD: I still have the feeling I'm not getting Kinyada right

Arty Garg: I think he yaps too much

Arty Garg: try thinking of him as being a bit more like Bryce...he's not the thinker that Bryce is, but they've still grown up with each other, and they tend to think and act somewhat similarly

BiomechD: ok so more of the silence and less of the chatterbox mn?

Arty Garg: they sorta have an understanding...they know what the other is thinking...and so small talk isn't too necessary

BiomechD: yeah..I was just trying to think of a way that could be shown to the audience

Arty Garg: *thinks*

Arty Garg: yeah, I ran the script by Joey too

Arty Garg: (since he was here when I got it)

Arty Garg: one thing (specifically) that he suggested was where Kinyada is saying "Hey, you have to admit it Bryce...blahblah"

Arty Garg: and holds up his fingers to show how close he was

Arty Garg: you could probably cut it down to him *just* holding up his fingers

Arty Garg: Body lingo can communicate a lot ;-)

Arty Garg: You don't have to do all the work in this project...leave something for Bryan and I ;-)

BiomechD: I get you :-)

Arty Garg: err... Brian and Me

BiomechD: aww do I have to? ;-)

Arty Garg: :D

Arty Garg: wellllll

Arty Garg: yeah, fraid so

BiomechD: bugger ;-)

Arty Garg: Bryce is coming off just a tad angsty too in that scene

Arty Garg: but...I guess it's just a question of how it's read

BiomechD: tone down the angst eh?

Arty Garg: yea...he's not angsty, just pensive, and maybe a little sad

BiomechD: yeah...brooding and angst probably share the same thin line

Arty Garg: I suppose

BiomechD: *sips coffee* augh that's more like it

Arty Garg: mmm...hot chocolate sounds good

BiomechD: mmmm chocolate...... (home simpson drool)

Arty Garg: hehe

BiomechD: but yeah I get you...tone down on the angst

Arty Garg: is there any way the conversation between those two that ensues can be cut down to more "quippey" lines?

BiomechD: lemme see

Arty Garg: I think it'll be more humorous that way

BiomechD: are we talking about the first or last scene with em in?

Arty Garg: first scene

Arty Garg: (tryin' to go in order)

BiomechD: ok

Arty Garg: oh, and the first bit with Bryce & Iara is good, unless you want to add in a conversation between them

Arty Garg: looking at it now though, I'm not sure I'm keen on that

BiomechD: hmm I can do quippey

BiomechD: hmm I was trying to say a lot without saying anything with the first scene

Arty Garg: I rather like the simplicity of the first bit

Arty Garg: I think it can communicate a lot

Arty Garg: :D

Arty Garg: can you do that in the second one too?

Arty Garg: :-)

Arty Garg: brb...hot chocolate calls me

BiomechD: ok

Arty Garg: okay, back

BiomechD: wb

BiomechD: ok second one? you mean the second scene with Bryce and Kinyada? or the second scene in order?

BiomechD: (I think I'm getting the flu...my neck feels like someones pumped it up and my head feels full of rocks)

Arty Garg: the bit with Bryce and Kinyada

Arty Garg: well...don't blame me for it...I'm half a world away...and only had a head cold ;-)

BiomechD: ah right...yup I can do that

BiomechD: I can't? Dman...must have been one of those disease carrying kids at the party last night

Arty Garg: I'm no writer, but maybe if you were to write out the scene without dialogue and then fill it in where it's needed, it would help?

Arty Garg: Just a thought :-)

Arty Garg: eew

BiomechD: and I only had one glass of red wine so it can't be a hangover either

Arty Garg: hehe

BiomechD: yeah it might

BiomechD: it'd certainly help and make sure I didn't get lost in dialogue

Arty Garg: hehe

Arty Garg: I don't know how much you need to address the Korakalee thing in that bit, as a lot of it will be brought up in the next scene

Arty Garg: probably people won't be arriving for the festival just yet

BiomechD: I guess me never having written a script before kinda shows in this...I wonder if their are any scriptwriting /screenplay tutorials out there on the net

Arty Garg: Probably :-)

Arty Garg: You're doing fine though, don't worry about it

Arty Garg: *puts on a schoolgirl look* it's my first time too *bats eyelashes*

BiomechD: meh you know me...always whinging where or not it's good enough

BiomechD: heh script virgins no longer!

BiomechD: :-)

Arty Garg: hehe

Arty Garg: mmm...minty hot chocolate

BiomechD: sounds lovely...I love minty chocolate

BiomechD: problem here is it's too damn warm for hot chocolate and normal chocolate melts in five seconds

Arty Garg: aww

Arty Garg: but you're drinking coffee...

BiomechD: they usually put something in the choccie to stop it melting...makes it taste weird

BiomechD: coffee bypasses all seasons

Arty Garg: heheh

BiomechD: hmm I wonder if iced coffee has the same kick and regualr coffee

Arty Garg: dunno...I don't do the coffee thing

BiomechD: good...don't...if you did and then tried to give it up you'd get coffee withrawal with is baaaad

Arty Garg: anywho...

Arty Garg: hehe

BiomechD: I'm talking headaches the works

Arty Garg: I'm a pepsi fiend

Arty Garg: I swear it's just as bad

BiomechD: yes back to the topic at hand

Arty Garg: one side note (and this may not affect anything on your end) --it's probably pretty misty when bryce and Kinyada meet up, being a forest and all...think "Cherka Trees"

Arty Garg: http://www.tenthorbital.com/art/digital/cherka.jpg

BiomechD: ok...make for cool visuals then

Arty Garg: but it'll have cleared off by the time they come back from hunting

Arty Garg: hope so :-)

BiomechD: ok

Arty Garg: secondly...and on to the next scene (I suppose I've bashed up the last one there well enough ;-) )

BiomechD: heh nah I'm sure some more bashing could be done ;-)

Arty Garg: You're welcome to take artistic license to fill in the gaps as needed...

Arty Garg: as far as what the greetings are, etc

BiomechD: ok

Arty Garg: Also, to preserve continuity between the first scene and the second, we need to somehow establish that the girl conversing with Kagaya is in fact the same girl in the first scene

Arty Garg: since her name won't be spoken in the first scene at all

Arty Garg: so we may need to see her coming out of the tree home...and that tree home may need to have some distinct markings so we know it's theirs

BiomechD: ok...I guess showing her leaving the same cherka tree as Bryce would show that

BiomechD: ok

Arty Garg: probably would work

Arty Garg: might build her character up a bit too

Arty Garg: if she pauses to pick up things, etc

BiomechD: ok..anything in particular?

Arty Garg: hmmm...

Arty Garg: I dunno

Arty Garg: :D

Arty Garg: <~~sooooo helpful

BiomechD: heh

Arty Garg: I dunno if it could be pulled off, but it might be cute if Iara's kinda playing opossum during the first scene

BiomechD: well if she likes nature it could be something like astone....or maybe something another Rashani has dropped..she looks at their haniwork and kinda takes pride in it

Arty Garg: ...and we see her smile when bryce's back is turned

Arty Garg: maybe so...

BiomechD: umm I mayb be dumb by what does playing opossum mean?

BiomechD: ah right...he I kinda like that :-)

Arty Garg: she's pretending to be asleep even though she isn't ;-)

Arty Garg: guess you guys don't have opossums over there, huh?

BiomechD: we do..they're just called possums

Arty Garg: ahh

BiomechD: I just can't remember what the saying means

Arty Garg: ahh

Arty Garg: anyway...

Arty Garg: another side note

Arty Garg: I'm trying to figure out how "present" cancalta is in political affairs...if people know about her or if she waits to reveal herself and her little Ri'is kingdom until she has the na'katar under her control

BiomechD: hmm well if she can control minds she can stay safely in the background and be anonymous

Arty Garg: this is true

BiomechD: sticking your head out in relation to the Innomu can probably get it cut off if you know what I mean

Arty Garg: but she'd need to be near them for the minds to be controlled

Arty Garg: this is true

BiomechD: yeah

Arty Garg: and another thought

Arty Garg: ...

Arty Garg: you might kill me for this ;-)

BiomechD: ::gets big blunt object:: yesss?

Arty Garg: what if it started with Cancalta's troops landing on Rasha & moving in to attack the village

Arty Garg: then we cut back and proceed as we are currently

Arty Garg: with little cut scenes of very fast-moving troops

BiomechD: hmm maybe...kinda like onimous figures in the mist...only glimpses

Arty Garg: not even seen...or even near the village at this point

Arty Garg: just the hint that something's going to happen

Arty Garg: and everyone in the village is oblivious to it

BiomechD: hmm maybe... I can see how it would work and add a nice overtone to the rest.

Arty Garg: nice...daunting overtone ;-)

BiomechD: people see that and for the whole ep (opr bit showing) they go somethings going to happen!

Arty Garg: I think the attack wouldn't be quite as out-of-the-blue then

BiomechD: true

Arty Garg: and the news cast would kinda foreshadow that

BiomechD: and it would satisfyaction seeking people

BiomechD: yeah

Arty Garg: *ponders*

Arty Garg: man, that kinda puts Cancalta in a more powerful position

BiomechD: mmm

Arty Garg: makes her seem like she's making the first moves and pulling the strings

BiomechD: of course people are going to connect her with the reports of the assasins and mercenaries that appear in the report

BiomechD: or associate the troops they see

BiomechD: wold cancalta be on the planet overseeing the operation?

Arty Garg: she might...she is there to collect Bryce and Kinyada later

Arty Garg: I'd like to see her more active in things...not so much one who stands by and gives orders

Arty Garg: it would make her more dangerous

BiomechD: definaltey

Arty Garg: and she'd know it if she came across the na'katar, whereas her minions would not

BiomechD: yup..kinda like if you want a job doing well do it yourself

Arty Garg: she's certainly nobody's fool

Arty Garg: so....are you going to kill me?

BiomechD: no

Arty Garg: yay!

BiomechD: I kinda like it

Arty Garg: double yay!

BiomechD: and it certainly pulls a new aspect into the first ep

Arty Garg: Okay, well let's say we run with this

Arty Garg: and that Cancalta & co. land just after sunset on the previous day

BiomechD: ok...so maybe a bit of red in the sky?

Arty Garg: Lots of red

BiomechD: red is good

Arty Garg: bathing the land in red too

BiomechD: yup

Arty Garg: red, red, red

BiomechD: very symbolic

Arty Garg: and black

BiomechD: and maybe a little smidge of purple

Arty Garg: haha...I was going to say that ;-)

Arty Garg: but I'd almost rather keep it to red ;-)

BiomechD: hey great minds think alike

Arty Garg: hehe

BiomechD: heh yeah..the kiss principle

Arty Garg: indeed

BiomechD: keep it simple stupid ;-)

Arty Garg: so they land, but rather than landing at the space port and blowing their cover, they either find a clearing, or sorta level an area of trees by the down-force created by their space craft

Arty Garg: maybe they just find a clearing.

BiomechD: hmm what would be neat would be if wee see the trees standing...then crumple/bend...then we see the landing craft

Arty Garg: I think that people will be expecting to see lots of trees, given all the concept art I've done of them

BiomechD: heh :-)

Arty Garg: is there something unexpected that could be shown instead?

BiomechD: unexpected?

Arty Garg: I dunno...I'm just trying to think of a way to show what's happening without being too trite about it

BiomechD: ah ok

Arty Garg: maybe we'll leave that to the art department

Arty Garg: we'll just say that the ship(s) land

BiomechD: yeah

BiomechD: yup

BiomechD: and say the sky has to be red ;-)

Arty Garg: and there's lots of red. the troops file out

BiomechD: lots and lots of red

Arty Garg: hehe

Arty Garg: why don't I just psycically impart this info to you? It might work better! ;-)

Arty Garg: ooh...now I'm all toasty from this hot chocolate

BiomechD: heh

Arty Garg: *thinks*

Arty Garg: Cancalta comes out, clearly the leader, and issues a very short straightforward order that's pretty chilling

Arty Garg: then we cut to the peace and serenity of the next morning in Bryce's home

Arty Garg: that'll leave people on-edge

Arty Garg: >:D

BiomechD: yeah works brilliantly!

Arty Garg: ooo...I'm gettin chills right now

Arty Garg: have to work some kinks out, but I kinda like it

BiomechD: I like to too

Arty Garg: sweet

Arty Garg: so back to the existing script... :D

BiomechD: heh :-)

BiomechD: brb..need more coffee and toast

Arty Garg: we'll have to figure out where to tastefully and unpredictably put in the stampede of the minions

Arty Garg: ok

BiomechD: back

Arty Garg: wb

BiomechD: ta

Arty Garg: the news caster face thing...is it rashani?

BiomechD: I don't know...just a generic face...actually I had vision of Max Headroom when I wrote that ;-)

BiomechD: but I suppose it could be Rashani

Arty Garg: It'd be good to see it pushed more toward a rashani perspective, i think

BiomechD: yeah

Arty Garg: but still, a bit more newsey sounding would be god

Arty Garg: it's almost there...

Arty Garg: just a few words throw it off

BiomechD: which ones?

Arty Garg: "actually", "seem"

BiomechD: would you like 'aledgely'

BiomechD: (or however you spell it)

Arty Garg: yeah

Arty Garg: :-)

Arty Garg: fabled too...

Arty Garg: you know, minor details

BiomechD: fabled a word to be replaced?

Arty Garg: yea

BiomechD: yeah..should watch the news more :-)

Arty Garg: supposed, rumored,...

Arty Garg: Maybe Iara addresses Kagaya as Kagaya, but the rest of the tribe (or those who don't know her as well anyway) would address her as Toki

BiomechD: ok...I just wondered about that

Arty Garg: whatever you feel works best there though...

Arty Garg: I just don't want it to sound awkward ;-)

BiomechD: yeah

BiomechD: oh btw..what would Bryce call his mother? Mother? Toki?

BiomechD: I thought the way he adresses her would also say something about their relationship

Arty Garg: good question

Arty Garg: well, let's see

Arty Garg: Kagaya gave birth to Bryce on Threll. She obviously spent a fair amount of time with the Innomu in the past (which would reflect on her actions in this scene, though she wouldn't dare bring it up)...she never told Bryce of his true origins obviously, and she remains distant, in part because of the questions that have been raised concerning that trip to threll, and in part because of the unknown heritage of her son

Arty Garg: err...parentage, i should say

BiomechD: yeah

Arty Garg: she knows what bryce is...or at least that he's an Endi

Arty Garg: she's worried about him

Arty Garg: especially due to the fact that he's going off in the woods for two months alone

Arty Garg: but she can't say so to anyone, least of all Iara...who is deeply enough in love with Bryce that she probably would cry into a pillow each night while he's away

Arty Garg: ...Kagaya doesn't want her worrying more

Arty Garg: Bryce probably resents his mother's distant nature

BiomechD: ::listening::

BiomechD: aol logs this stuff right?

Arty Garg: it's kept him from getting too close to her...and so in a way he bonded with Iara while he was growing up...and she took on a more motherly role than his own mother did for him

Arty Garg: I dunno...I'd copy & paste if I were you ;-)

BiomechD: ugh lots of copying and pasting

Arty Garg: gets the job done :\

Arty Garg: try doing a file > save with the window here

Arty Garg: So Iara is kinda like the mother, sister, and lover in his life, as weird and freudian as that may sound

BiomechD: it works

BiomechD: umm doesn't show your side of the conversation tho

Arty Garg: eew

Arty Garg: copy & paste it is then

Arty Garg: Kagaya, though she loves her son very much, is also a bit afraid of him, as she really doesn't know what's inside him...physically *or* emotionally; bryce kinda built up a wall around himself, having had to fend for himself much of his life

Arty Garg: ...and not being able to really rely on his mother to be there, to help him, or even to lend a shoulder to cry on

Arty Garg: hence his loner/thinker nature